The College Voter

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Colin Kalmbacher is a correspondent and contributor for The College Voter from The University of Texas at Austin.

I’d like to apologize.

I haven’t been around these parts of the Internets for quite some time.

I have, however, in order of importance:

Paid an excessive amount of attention to the NBA Finals. (Giving myself an enormous amount of heartbreak and grief due to my unfaltering allegiance to the currently faltering San Antonio Spurs. I even bought these shoes.)

Over-zealously gone after a tall, blond, freshman who was destined to leave my life and was just never programmed to appreciate a sensitive artist like myself. C’est la vie.

Graduated from clown college the University of Texas at Austin with a bachelor’s degree in Journalism and a concentration on History and English. Which means I get to capitalize things like Journalism, History and English.

Well, I kind-of-graduated. Pretended–like a balloon sword.

I faked it like Samantha or Matthew Broderick’s wife’s character on that kind-of-funny HBO show that really should not have been produced into or even optioned toward feature film status. Spilled milk, I guess.

I walked across the stage wearing the requisite regalia including my one-size-messes-up-anyone’s-hair cap and an out-sized gown borrowed from a friend’s boyfriend that somehow didn’t swallow me up like Nautica Thorn’s vajayjay would do to…well…anything. (Trust me, I’ve seen video.) I even looked good in pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Ahem.

But, let’s call it trick photography.

Because, as of now, I am not officially graduated. Yeah, everybody got handed a fake diploma with a year’s membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.

But, I’m actually signed up for two ancillary (re: unnecessary) classes this summer that I’ve opted to put myself through. Oh, I don’t need them. They’re both completely irrelevant to my degree (Music for Television and Film) or the world at large (Marketing), of course. There won’t be much of an impact on my GPA no matter what happens. I’ve more than surpassed the total number of hours to graduate. I can’t even pin down a minor due to hare-brained decision making in the College of Communication.

So, what gives?

Why in the world have I decided to subject myself to six more (not so) rigorous hours of needless education? (Hint: It’s not pure intellectual curiosity.)

Try a broken education system from top to bottom.

The same education system that produces a country wherein about 54 million Americans believe that the sun revolves around the Earth is the same one that doesn’t take seriously the need for public-financed, or even government-sponsored higher education.

Hell, they had to pull teeth for years and years to even get the Webb-Hagel GI Bill for our oh-so-vaunted veterans. And for that Congress deserves a genuine and hearty round of applause.

But it also ought to be understood as the sobering news that it truly is.

If it’s taken this long for an as of yet uncertain piece of legislation (facing presidential veto) that finally makes heroes instead of props of our military servicemen and servicewomen then substantial help on higher education costs for the rest of us are truly a dream.

The truth is I am taking these extra classes for two purely economic reasons:

1. To keep predatory lenders off my back for a few extra months by staying in school and forestalling payments on my student loans.
2. To reap the benefits of one last dose of (limited and piddling) federal financial aid so that I can afford rent, utilities and food for the next few months.

It’s a sad state of affairs and I’ve been forced to kind of game the system, in a sense. But when it’s broken, you do what you can to make it work for you. A dollar. Out of fifteen cents.

And I certainly don’t apologize for that.

Colin Kalmbacher is a twenty-something white male, born and bred in Fort Worth, Texas — though he currently resides in Austin. Not one much for consistency, he enjoys politics, love and misanthropy when not singing or baking vegan cookies. He’s also a huge fan of Talladega Nights.